Time for Honesty

Well everyone to be perfectly honest - this is a lot harder than I ever imagined it would be. Not really the climate or the elevation or even the lack of speaking Spanish...but the being away from my family and those I love.

I think I always had this romanticized idea of how it would be to leave everything that I know and just focus on serving God. And don't get me wrong, this has brought me closer to God than I've ever been. I'm almost in constant prayer throughout the day. Meditating, journaling, READING His word! Because honestly that's the only way I'm making it. I'm entering into week three which is when a lot of people warned me I would hit a wall. And I've hit it hard. I'm extremely homesick and sad. I've asked God to forgive me for the fear and doubt that has entered into my pysche now, and He will help pull me through this I just know. But please think of me in your prayers often. I need them.

My dad offered that this may be my wilderness experience. My experience in which God breaks me down in order to build me up. Up until this point in my life I have always relied on God for the hard times and praised Him in the good times. But there haven't been that many hard times and even when they came, I had places to turn besides God. Though I did turn to God, He was not my only salvation and sanctuary. But even given that, I have never truly felt like I couldn't do something on my own (to be perfectly transparent). Looking back it was a very self-righteouss way to live a life. It was also a very dangerous way to live a life. So I am glad that God has broken me down at the tender young age of 24 before I wasted much more of my life with that mindset. But even still, I am in the midst of the wilderness...I pray God uses this time to perfect my faith, to prepare me and build me up for whatever it is that He wants me to do in life. I am beginning to see that what I wanted (to be a missionary, probably abroad for long periods of time) may not be exactly what God wanted. And that's okay. It's just as meaningful to find out what we are not supposed to do because it brings us one step closer to what we are supposed to do. And even when you find out what you're not supposed to do, it is never a wasted experience.

It is never a wasted experience because I have already, in these two weeks, been changed significantly. Definately one of the most significant meaningul inward changes I have ever experienced. Definately in the shortest amount of time. I have realized that I took my family for granted my whole life, never accurately reflecting in my actions toward them the love that I feel for them inside. Never again. If I left tomorrow I would say this has been the most meaningful, life-changing two-week period in my life. But I'm not leaving tomorrow. So there is so much more God has to change inside of me. And I'm ready. My goal right now is to get to December 18th. I don't know right now if God would have me to come back after Christmas. I know that if He would like me to come back, He will definately change my heart from the way it is feeling right now.

I am very excited about Friday. We move up to Rinconada. We will meet with the people working there. We will assimilate ourselves into the organization. And I can finally begin to have a purpose each day. I think part of what is making things so hard right now is the fact that I really don't have a lot to do each day. I have to eat each day, I'm attempting to run (very hard at this altitude I am finding) each day. But other than that I have too much time to sit and think about how much I miss home. So I am taking that time and turning it into prayer and Bible study. So it is meaningful. And I can still show love to everyone I come into contact with each day, especially Dillon and Lauren...which is how each and every one of us serves Him each day of our life. So I do have a purpose, I would just like to be more busy to take my mind off things and to get me through this season. But Padre Juan pointed out to us the first night when we were asking him for more to do this week that, 'Americans always want to have so much to do. Here we just slow down.' Maybe he's got a point there you know?

So I am glad I am here. Given how homesick I am right now that is actually hard for me to say. But I mean it. Because of how much I've changed in these two weeks. I don't ever want to go back to the person I was before I left on this journey. And if God can use this pain to make me more like Him and to bring me closer to His will for my life, then okay.

'Bring me joy, bring me peace.
Bring the chance to be free.
Bring me anything that brings you glory.

And I know they'll be days.
When this life brings me pain.
And if that's what it takes to praise you,
Jesus bring the rain.'

And another one that people may not be as familiar with:

'Lord it may get better but it may not.
So when I pray God,
I pray I would trust you whether or not the pain stops.
So when the pain falls, coming down like raindrops,
I just gotta cling to You.'

I just pray to God and thank Him in advance for giving me His eyes, giving me His compassion, to see His people as He sees them. I know once that transformation takes place I can get over the homesickness, that in a way is selfish, and get to the reason I'm here. To serve Him and His people!

Amen.