I thought it was supposed to get better, not worse.

So I'm getting over two pretty intense days of illness. I had the epitomé of a stomach bug. Luckily though, here in Peru you can grab some antibiotics for $7 and no prescription, lol. Its sad though, in a way I would prefer to be sick. Because then at least I slept most of the day. And as long as I'm asleep I'm not immediately conscious of my depression, lonliness and homesickness. Today, I feel better. I'm still pretty weak, I guess because I haven't eaten anything in two days, but I feel better - physically. I feel worse, emotionally. Perhaps the worse day yet. I guess its a good cue when I say I would rather be sick than well because at least with sickness comes less waking hours.

I talked to Padre Juan yesterday about how I felt. I've been here exactly a month today and it seems to be getting worse instead of better. I told him that. I told him how I was sad, depressed, etc. He asked what he could do? What didn't I like about Peru? He was very willing to do anything needed to make me more comfortable. But that's the point, its not a lack of physical comfort. Yeah there are a lot of things we take for granted in the U.S., like toilet seats, TV and hot showers...but really what's got me down is missing my family, and this feeling that I came here for the wrong reason (I'll explain below). So unless he's going to fly my family out here to Peru, there's not a lot he can do. Its not that I don't like Peru. Its that I miss my family. I guess one thing he could do is provide me with some WORK! I mean, that is why I came here. But everytime I bring that up he says, Americans, you need to slow down and allow things to develop on their own. Relax, etc. this and that! He almost makes me feel like I'm being insenstive of their culture by asking for work to do. And don't get me wrong. He is a very giving, compassionate man of God. But that's just a difference in culture.

So in the midst of me telling him and this other Bolivian woman, who was translating for me, about my homesickness, they proceeded to tell me about how homesick they were the first time they left their countries and went abroad. They both agreed that though it was hard, they stuck it out and in the end were better for it. So I asked each of them, ok, how long were you gone for. Their responses, 3 weeks and 8 days respectively. So great, I've been here for three weeks PLUS 8 days and then some. So its just hard when people who can't REALLY empathize with you are trying to do so. It really brought another point home to me, a point that they teach us in social work education. If you can't truly empathize with someone's situation, don't try to...it will just make it worse.

So I have an interview with a lady in Richmond who works for the state support office of Habitat for Humanity. I have the opportunity to work there, starting in the beginning of December, as an Americorps volunteer. Its almost like a realization I had the first week of being here, before I even began to feel homesick, was a foreshadowing of what was to come in my life. Let me explain: The first week I was here I had this realization that something I was searching for had been right in front of me the whole time. Before I left, I had this assumption that I had to travel off to some far away land to be a missionary for my God. Then I realized that that's not neccesary. We can be a missionary for God in our own neighborhood. In fact its not just that we can me a missionary in our own neighborhoods, but we should be! Each and every day of our lives we should be a missionary for our Lord, no matter where we are. There are souls that need Jesus everywhere! And a soul in Peru is no more important to God than a soul in York County. They all need Jesus. The whole world needs Jesus! So though I came here seeking to be a missionary, I found that but I found something so much greater. That I don't need to come to Peru to be a missionary. But like I said, I had that realization before I even began to feel this sort of way about being here, so maybe it was appropriate foreshadowing for my own life. I guess we'll see. God will continue to lead me I know it.

So that's that for this post. I feel better having talked to Juan for the mere point of honesty. I feel like I'm not hiding anything from him now so if I did get this job and decided God was leading me home sooner than I thought, its not going to be some big suprise to him. And I told him how I thought I could work for the organziation from the U.S. and he sounded very greatful for that offer as well.

So I'll keep everyone up to date as things progress and decisions are made.