Saturday, October 25, 2008
Lima Round 2
Its so amazing to me how much things have changed in such a short amount of time. When I first arrived to Lima 6 weeks ago I was immediately struck by the culture, how different it was, how different it was from everything that I was used to. When I arrived back in Lima the seond time I was again confronted with how drastically different the culture was. This time, however, I was relieved to be back in a city that resembled the Western culture in which I find a comfortable familiarity. The McDonald's golden arch literally looked like it had lights shining down on it from Heaven. I don't even like McDonald's. I don't even like Pizza Hut. I usually can resist the temptation of Dunkin Donuts. But not these past couple of days. I have found relief in the food that makes America obese. The ironic part is that once I get back I probably won't even eat this stuff. The days are still moving at a snail's pace ya'll, but I'm okay. I'm still exhausted physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. But I'm okay. I keep dreaming that I'm home and once I get so far into the dream I think to myself, "this is probably just a dream." So I squeeze my eyes tight really hard in order to wake myself up. Then I wake up and realize I still am in Peru. This realization does not bring about the same desperate feeling that it did in weeks past, I know that I'm in Lima now...only one step away from Richmond Int'l Airport. Instead now this realization just brings about reminds me of my endurance of a mental exhaustion. I just gotta hold on a couple more days...
Monday, October 20, 2008
Leviticus
So I began reading the Old Testament straight through about a week ago. I've never attempted this feat before, always a bit turned off by boredom. But I have heard it said many times, and it is a great point, the Old Testament is the only Bible Jesus had. So though we live in a day where the ultimate sacrifice has taken the place of animals being killed on altars, I still think its important that we, as Christians, read the Old Testament the same way that we read the New Testament.
So I got through Genesis and Exodus and had started on Leviticus when I was having a conversation with my Dad. I was telling him how all the laws were frustrating me. Not only because they were boring, but because they seemed to contradict things that Jesus said. I mean, after Moses came down from a 40 day/night stint on Mt. Sanai with God...he straight up said something like "an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth." Then in the New Testament Jesus/God preaches on forgiveness and turning the other cheek and loving thy neighbor as thyself. I know I'm not the first person on earth to question God about these seemingly contradictions. But my Dad had some good advice, he said to ask God to show me how He wants to speak to me midst all these laws and decrees. So I did. I said, "God I don't understand a lot of what I'm reading, but I know you can still use your Word to communicate with me. So show me what you want me to see." No later than 24 hours later I read Leviticus 10:1-3.
Leviticus 10:1-3 illustrated what I've been feeling for the past three weeks or so of this trip. It is very hard for me to say this, because it hurts my pride. But I feel it an important part of this humbling experience that God is putting me through to do so. In addition, hopefully others can use my lesson in their own lives. When God teaches us a lesson it is important we share it with our family of believers because maybe something that broke us down can help a brother or sister from suffering similar painful experiences. I think I know now where I went wrong with the whole trip.
And let me start my saying I'm so thankful that I live in the "New Testament" age of forgiveness and grace, where we have had the ultimate sacrifice atone for our sins and we have a God who works ALL things together for the good of those who love Him and seek Him...even the things that weren't exactly what He would have had in mind in the first place. He has taught me so many things and brought me so much closer to Him on this trip that I'm actually thankful for the fact that I misinterpreted God's will...anything that brings us closer to God we should be thankful for no matter how painful. Not thankful for the pain, but thankful for growing instead it was MY will. I think maybe God wasnt calling me to come here as much as I wanted Him to be calling me here. Thank God for Proverbs 19:21 and Romans 8:28.
Leviticus 10:1-3 in a nutshell: Aaron's sons Nadab and Abihu presented a sacrifice to God that He didnt ask for or decree, and He struck them dead immediately.
They may have been presenting the sacrifice to God with the best of intentions, to worship Him and bring glory to Him...but it wasnt what He asked for. When I read this this yesterday morning, verses 1-3 were the last three verses on the page before I turned the page. I was immediately struck by the story, feeling the parallel with my own current situation. I reread it three or four times before turning the page. Then when I turned the page I realized my Bible had a page long devotional solely about these three verses. I read it and it was as if it was about my exact situation right now. I think I came here with the purest of intentions, to serve God, to worship Him with my life! When I say things to Him like, "I want to praise you not just with words, but with my life," I thought I needed to do something that was extremely difficult and extreme so that I could hold to my word. But I realize now that I thought this was how God wanted me to worship Him with my life, but it was maybe not how God had actually planned it out. Actually, obviously its not how God had it planned out, if it were I wouldnt be coming home in T minus two weeks and counting.
But thankfully we live in the time of mercy and forgiveness and He didnt strike me dead the minute I made an offerring to Him that He didn't ask for. He held me close to Him the whole way through and taught me things. And in the end He will definately will work all things for the good, I trust Him and know it. But as a result of my sometimes competative and compulsive personality, I came here with the purest of intentions...but didn't have the patience to wait on God to show me how HE wanted to use me. Instead I told HIM how I thought He wanted me to use me. I'm paying the price but ultimately this difficult time as brought me closer to my God.
"I know (NOW), O LORD, that a woman's life is not her own;
it is not for a woman to direct her steps."
-Jeremiah 10:23
So I got through Genesis and Exodus and had started on Leviticus when I was having a conversation with my Dad. I was telling him how all the laws were frustrating me. Not only because they were boring, but because they seemed to contradict things that Jesus said. I mean, after Moses came down from a 40 day/night stint on Mt. Sanai with God...he straight up said something like "an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth." Then in the New Testament Jesus/God preaches on forgiveness and turning the other cheek and loving thy neighbor as thyself. I know I'm not the first person on earth to question God about these seemingly contradictions. But my Dad had some good advice, he said to ask God to show me how He wants to speak to me midst all these laws and decrees. So I did. I said, "God I don't understand a lot of what I'm reading, but I know you can still use your Word to communicate with me. So show me what you want me to see." No later than 24 hours later I read Leviticus 10:1-3.
Leviticus 10:1-3 illustrated what I've been feeling for the past three weeks or so of this trip. It is very hard for me to say this, because it hurts my pride. But I feel it an important part of this humbling experience that God is putting me through to do so. In addition, hopefully others can use my lesson in their own lives. When God teaches us a lesson it is important we share it with our family of believers because maybe something that broke us down can help a brother or sister from suffering similar painful experiences. I think I know now where I went wrong with the whole trip.
And let me start my saying I'm so thankful that I live in the "New Testament" age of forgiveness and grace, where we have had the ultimate sacrifice atone for our sins and we have a God who works ALL things together for the good of those who love Him and seek Him...even the things that weren't exactly what He would have had in mind in the first place. He has taught me so many things and brought me so much closer to Him on this trip that I'm actually thankful for the fact that I misinterpreted God's will...anything that brings us closer to God we should be thankful for no matter how painful. Not thankful for the pain, but thankful for growing instead it was MY will. I think maybe God wasnt calling me to come here as much as I wanted Him to be calling me here. Thank God for Proverbs 19:21 and Romans 8:28.
Leviticus 10:1-3 in a nutshell: Aaron's sons Nadab and Abihu presented a sacrifice to God that He didnt ask for or decree, and He struck them dead immediately.
They may have been presenting the sacrifice to God with the best of intentions, to worship Him and bring glory to Him...but it wasnt what He asked for. When I read this this yesterday morning, verses 1-3 were the last three verses on the page before I turned the page. I was immediately struck by the story, feeling the parallel with my own current situation. I reread it three or four times before turning the page. Then when I turned the page I realized my Bible had a page long devotional solely about these three verses. I read it and it was as if it was about my exact situation right now. I think I came here with the purest of intentions, to serve God, to worship Him with my life! When I say things to Him like, "I want to praise you not just with words, but with my life," I thought I needed to do something that was extremely difficult and extreme so that I could hold to my word. But I realize now that I thought this was how God wanted me to worship Him with my life, but it was maybe not how God had actually planned it out. Actually, obviously its not how God had it planned out, if it were I wouldnt be coming home in T minus two weeks and counting.
But thankfully we live in the time of mercy and forgiveness and He didnt strike me dead the minute I made an offerring to Him that He didn't ask for. He held me close to Him the whole way through and taught me things. And in the end He will definately will work all things for the good, I trust Him and know it. But as a result of my sometimes competative and compulsive personality, I came here with the purest of intentions...but didn't have the patience to wait on God to show me how HE wanted to use me. Instead I told HIM how I thought He wanted me to use me. I'm paying the price but ultimately this difficult time as brought me closer to my God.
"I know (NOW), O LORD, that a woman's life is not her own;
it is not for a woman to direct her steps."
-Jeremiah 10:23
Saturday, October 18, 2008
November 4th is the date
Well I've pretty much secured a job in Richmond that will start November 14th. I will be working for Habitat for Humanity through Americorps. I'm in the process right now of changing my plane ticket to leave for home on November the 4th.
I will post later about what's been going through my mind and heart and of course when I get back I will have all kinds of revelations and stories to share. I don't have the energy to type a lot right now. Each day I wake up I am more depressed than the day before. I think its because every night I dream I'm at home so each morning when I wake up I have to re-process that I'm still here over and over again. I'll try to get motivated to share more soon.
I do know that different people will have different opinions of my decision to cut this trip shorter than plans. I hope everyone trusts that I'm following where God is leading me and can support me, I really need that right now. And for those who don't understand or support me, I can't really stress it because I know I'm following where God is leading me. And I know this trip was not a failure in any way shape or form.
Please pray for me, I can't remember another time in my life I have felt so low in this way. My only consolation is God knew this was going to happen the whole time and still brought me here. So He's up to something thats bigger and greater than my current situation.
I will post later about what's been going through my mind and heart and of course when I get back I will have all kinds of revelations and stories to share. I don't have the energy to type a lot right now. Each day I wake up I am more depressed than the day before. I think its because every night I dream I'm at home so each morning when I wake up I have to re-process that I'm still here over and over again. I'll try to get motivated to share more soon.
I do know that different people will have different opinions of my decision to cut this trip shorter than plans. I hope everyone trusts that I'm following where God is leading me and can support me, I really need that right now. And for those who don't understand or support me, I can't really stress it because I know I'm following where God is leading me. And I know this trip was not a failure in any way shape or form.
Please pray for me, I can't remember another time in my life I have felt so low in this way. My only consolation is God knew this was going to happen the whole time and still brought me here. So He's up to something thats bigger and greater than my current situation.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
I thought it was supposed to get better, not worse.
So I'm getting over two pretty intense days of illness. I had the epitomé of a stomach bug. Luckily though, here in Peru you can grab some antibiotics for $7 and no prescription, lol. Its sad though, in a way I would prefer to be sick. Because then at least I slept most of the day. And as long as I'm asleep I'm not immediately conscious of my depression, lonliness and homesickness. Today, I feel better. I'm still pretty weak, I guess because I haven't eaten anything in two days, but I feel better - physically. I feel worse, emotionally. Perhaps the worse day yet. I guess its a good cue when I say I would rather be sick than well because at least with sickness comes less waking hours.
I talked to Padre Juan yesterday about how I felt. I've been here exactly a month today and it seems to be getting worse instead of better. I told him that. I told him how I was sad, depressed, etc. He asked what he could do? What didn't I like about Peru? He was very willing to do anything needed to make me more comfortable. But that's the point, its not a lack of physical comfort. Yeah there are a lot of things we take for granted in the U.S., like toilet seats, TV and hot showers...but really what's got me down is missing my family, and this feeling that I came here for the wrong reason (I'll explain below). So unless he's going to fly my family out here to Peru, there's not a lot he can do. Its not that I don't like Peru. Its that I miss my family. I guess one thing he could do is provide me with some WORK! I mean, that is why I came here. But everytime I bring that up he says, Americans, you need to slow down and allow things to develop on their own. Relax, etc. this and that! He almost makes me feel like I'm being insenstive of their culture by asking for work to do. And don't get me wrong. He is a very giving, compassionate man of God. But that's just a difference in culture.
So in the midst of me telling him and this other Bolivian woman, who was translating for me, about my homesickness, they proceeded to tell me about how homesick they were the first time they left their countries and went abroad. They both agreed that though it was hard, they stuck it out and in the end were better for it. So I asked each of them, ok, how long were you gone for. Their responses, 3 weeks and 8 days respectively. So great, I've been here for three weeks PLUS 8 days and then some. So its just hard when people who can't REALLY empathize with you are trying to do so. It really brought another point home to me, a point that they teach us in social work education. If you can't truly empathize with someone's situation, don't try to...it will just make it worse.
So I have an interview with a lady in Richmond who works for the state support office of Habitat for Humanity. I have the opportunity to work there, starting in the beginning of December, as an Americorps volunteer. Its almost like a realization I had the first week of being here, before I even began to feel homesick, was a foreshadowing of what was to come in my life. Let me explain: The first week I was here I had this realization that something I was searching for had been right in front of me the whole time. Before I left, I had this assumption that I had to travel off to some far away land to be a missionary for my God. Then I realized that that's not neccesary. We can be a missionary for God in our own neighborhood. In fact its not just that we can me a missionary in our own neighborhoods, but we should be! Each and every day of our lives we should be a missionary for our Lord, no matter where we are. There are souls that need Jesus everywhere! And a soul in Peru is no more important to God than a soul in York County. They all need Jesus. The whole world needs Jesus! So though I came here seeking to be a missionary, I found that but I found something so much greater. That I don't need to come to Peru to be a missionary. But like I said, I had that realization before I even began to feel this sort of way about being here, so maybe it was appropriate foreshadowing for my own life. I guess we'll see. God will continue to lead me I know it.
So that's that for this post. I feel better having talked to Juan for the mere point of honesty. I feel like I'm not hiding anything from him now so if I did get this job and decided God was leading me home sooner than I thought, its not going to be some big suprise to him. And I told him how I thought I could work for the organziation from the U.S. and he sounded very greatful for that offer as well.
So I'll keep everyone up to date as things progress and decisions are made.
I talked to Padre Juan yesterday about how I felt. I've been here exactly a month today and it seems to be getting worse instead of better. I told him that. I told him how I was sad, depressed, etc. He asked what he could do? What didn't I like about Peru? He was very willing to do anything needed to make me more comfortable. But that's the point, its not a lack of physical comfort. Yeah there are a lot of things we take for granted in the U.S., like toilet seats, TV and hot showers...but really what's got me down is missing my family, and this feeling that I came here for the wrong reason (I'll explain below). So unless he's going to fly my family out here to Peru, there's not a lot he can do. Its not that I don't like Peru. Its that I miss my family. I guess one thing he could do is provide me with some WORK! I mean, that is why I came here. But everytime I bring that up he says, Americans, you need to slow down and allow things to develop on their own. Relax, etc. this and that! He almost makes me feel like I'm being insenstive of their culture by asking for work to do. And don't get me wrong. He is a very giving, compassionate man of God. But that's just a difference in culture.
So in the midst of me telling him and this other Bolivian woman, who was translating for me, about my homesickness, they proceeded to tell me about how homesick they were the first time they left their countries and went abroad. They both agreed that though it was hard, they stuck it out and in the end were better for it. So I asked each of them, ok, how long were you gone for. Their responses, 3 weeks and 8 days respectively. So great, I've been here for three weeks PLUS 8 days and then some. So its just hard when people who can't REALLY empathize with you are trying to do so. It really brought another point home to me, a point that they teach us in social work education. If you can't truly empathize with someone's situation, don't try to...it will just make it worse.
So I have an interview with a lady in Richmond who works for the state support office of Habitat for Humanity. I have the opportunity to work there, starting in the beginning of December, as an Americorps volunteer. Its almost like a realization I had the first week of being here, before I even began to feel homesick, was a foreshadowing of what was to come in my life. Let me explain: The first week I was here I had this realization that something I was searching for had been right in front of me the whole time. Before I left, I had this assumption that I had to travel off to some far away land to be a missionary for my God. Then I realized that that's not neccesary. We can be a missionary for God in our own neighborhood. In fact its not just that we can me a missionary in our own neighborhoods, but we should be! Each and every day of our lives we should be a missionary for our Lord, no matter where we are. There are souls that need Jesus everywhere! And a soul in Peru is no more important to God than a soul in York County. They all need Jesus. The whole world needs Jesus! So though I came here seeking to be a missionary, I found that but I found something so much greater. That I don't need to come to Peru to be a missionary. But like I said, I had that realization before I even began to feel this sort of way about being here, so maybe it was appropriate foreshadowing for my own life. I guess we'll see. God will continue to lead me I know it.
So that's that for this post. I feel better having talked to Juan for the mere point of honesty. I feel like I'm not hiding anything from him now so if I did get this job and decided God was leading me home sooner than I thought, its not going to be some big suprise to him. And I told him how I thought I could work for the organziation from the U.S. and he sounded very greatful for that offer as well.
So I'll keep everyone up to date as things progress and decisions are made.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Doin for Myself
So we for the past couple of days have been working on developing a business plan for PASMOF, the women artisans of RED Titikaka. So that's been helping me feel less like a waste. But me personally feeling led back home is increasing over time, instead of decreasing. That is, approaching the one month anniversary of me being here, the homesickness hasn't really improved all that much. It hasn't gotten worse either though, it just persists. So I just endure. I'll keep everyone up to date with the business plan though. Also this week we are supposed to be traveling a bit to see the different communities RED Titikaka works with and to meet the women's groups. That should provide for some good bloggage to I hope :)
This week, I have had a couple new experiences that have reiterated to me that I am a capable human being, with God's help of course. I have washed my clothes by hand in a bucket for the first time ever. The clothes actually turned out clean and soft. I will admit I was a bit suprised, here is a pic of them drying on the roof.
Also I cooked some Spaghetti last night and made the sauce from scratch, sans recipe. And I mean from SCRATCH. I had to stew fresh tomatoes myself to even make the base for the sauce. No canned tomatoes/sauce/or paste to be found around here. I just combined tomatoes, onion, red pepper, oregano, basil, garlic, olive oil and salt until it tasted about right. I think next time I may add a little red wine in the beginning and let that cook down to give it a little more sweetness. I may also try to find a good type of spicy red pepper to add to give it a little kick for next time as well (they don't have crushed red pepper, what I would normally use to add a kick in Italian recipes). Overall though, I was very pleased and again...actually suprised myself. I don't know why I was suprised though, I should know: Philipians 4:13 baby! :)
This week, I have had a couple new experiences that have reiterated to me that I am a capable human being, with God's help of course. I have washed my clothes by hand in a bucket for the first time ever. The clothes actually turned out clean and soft. I will admit I was a bit suprised, here is a pic of them drying on the roof.
Also I cooked some Spaghetti last night and made the sauce from scratch, sans recipe. And I mean from SCRATCH. I had to stew fresh tomatoes myself to even make the base for the sauce. No canned tomatoes/sauce/or paste to be found around here. I just combined tomatoes, onion, red pepper, oregano, basil, garlic, olive oil and salt until it tasted about right. I think next time I may add a little red wine in the beginning and let that cook down to give it a little more sweetness. I may also try to find a good type of spicy red pepper to add to give it a little kick for next time as well (they don't have crushed red pepper, what I would normally use to add a kick in Italian recipes). Overall though, I was very pleased and again...actually suprised myself. I don't know why I was suprised though, I should know: Philipians 4:13 baby! :)
Thursday, October 9, 2008
cling to You
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oKyoENBuM6A
Lord, I’d like to start by saying I can hate where I’m at
When this life is hard and situations take me aback
The fight is hard and I can hardly face it in fact
In life it’s hard to get up like a bar with weights thats attached
It really seems the situations that I’m facing is wack
I been awakened but now I’m feeling forsaken and trapped
With no hope and I’m broken open for Satan to trap
I been bothered since You Father put this weight on my back
So please erase it’s wack, cause when this pain it attacks
My weakness is at it’s peak and I’m feeling strained and I lack
The trust in You I struggle through the ways that I should come to You
Lord, what am I gonna do? It’s true this pain it distracts
But I see my only hope when my backs on the ropes
Is in You so I read through the facts that You wrote
The pain may fade away, but if that’s my only hope
Then You don’t get the glory alone not even close
Lord, it may get better but it may not
So when I pray God, I pray I
Would trust You whether or not the pain stops
So when the the pain falls, coming down like rain drops
I just gotta cling to You
Lord, You know I’m hoping that my situation will switch
That You’ll show me You’re amazing by erasing it quick
But I’ve noticed that my hope was in You changing it quick
Instead of knowing You’re enough Lord I was chasing Your gifts
But then I opened up Your text and looked at David and them
Their situations was grim, but it ain’t change them within
They prayed You’d take it away but sought Your face in the end
And found comfort in Your justice and the grace You extend
Lord, it may get better but it may not
So when I pray God, I pray I
Would trust You whether or not the pain stops
So when the the pain falls, coming down like rain drops
I just gotta cling to You
-Trip Lee
Lord, I’d like to start by saying I can hate where I’m at
When this life is hard and situations take me aback
The fight is hard and I can hardly face it in fact
In life it’s hard to get up like a bar with weights thats attached
It really seems the situations that I’m facing is wack
I been awakened but now I’m feeling forsaken and trapped
With no hope and I’m broken open for Satan to trap
I been bothered since You Father put this weight on my back
So please erase it’s wack, cause when this pain it attacks
My weakness is at it’s peak and I’m feeling strained and I lack
The trust in You I struggle through the ways that I should come to You
Lord, what am I gonna do? It’s true this pain it distracts
But I see my only hope when my backs on the ropes
Is in You so I read through the facts that You wrote
The pain may fade away, but if that’s my only hope
Then You don’t get the glory alone not even close
Lord, it may get better but it may not
So when I pray God, I pray I
Would trust You whether or not the pain stops
So when the the pain falls, coming down like rain drops
I just gotta cling to You
Lord, You know I’m hoping that my situation will switch
That You’ll show me You’re amazing by erasing it quick
But I’ve noticed that my hope was in You changing it quick
Instead of knowing You’re enough Lord I was chasing Your gifts
But then I opened up Your text and looked at David and them
Their situations was grim, but it ain’t change them within
They prayed You’d take it away but sought Your face in the end
And found comfort in Your justice and the grace You extend
So in this life full of strife if my days get grayer
I’m content with the fact that You’ll stay my Savior
No change in my King, man, it ain’t no greater
Comfort than what’s found in You that’s so major
So in this life full of strife if my days get grayer
I’m content with the fact that You’ll stay my Savior
No change in my King, man, it ain’t no greater
Comfort than what’s found in You so please change us!
Lord, it may get better but it may not
So when I pray God, I pray I
Would trust You whether or not the pain stops
So when the the pain falls, coming down like rain drops
I just gotta cling to You
-Trip Lee
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Forgive my iniquity, though it is great.
Psalm 25:11
So I'm wondering why I feel this way. If I pray to God everyday that He would take away my sorrow, my lonliness...if I proclaim with my speech that He is more than enough for me in every situation, that all I need is the Lord. Why can't I live out what I proclaim? Because I am completely unworthy.
I ask the Lord everyday to forgive my iniquity, though it is great.
Because shouldn't I, as a Christian who is filled with God's love, be able to radiate that love excitedly and with passion!? Why then, is it hard for me to foster a smile? I have the inner peace of knowing that no matter what, I am God's and He is mine. But why can't that inner peace make it to the outside. I WANT it to!! I came here with the, perhaps naive, expectation that I would love this. I think in a way I wanted to be a missionary for God more than I wanted to do what God wanted me to do. Very self-absorbed of me.
I ask the Lord everyday to forgive my iniquity, though it is great.
So yeah, I expected I would enjoy this. I never expected it to be easy. I never expected it to be nearly unbearable. Why isn't the Lord enough? I know He is. But why can't I feel like that? I feel so humbled, so inadequate. I've been trying for at least two years now to live every aspect of my life for the Lord. To seek Him in everything. To bring glory to Him through all my actions. I know I need Him, I rely on Him everyday. I would probably be on a plane back home right now if it wasn't for Him. But why is His comfort only enough to help me endure. I thought it would be enough to help me prosper! Maybe I'm learning something new about the valleys. Maybe we aren't meant to prosper in the valleys, but only survive. Maybe those without God would have either left for home by now, or turned to unhealthy sinful outlets for their depressed state. Either way, I know the Lord is enough, more than enough, all that I need. But in addition to knowing that with my heart, why can't I feel it with my emotions also. Is it selfish of me to want the human side of me to be content as well as the spiritual side. Maybe that's something He has to teach each of us...that sometimes only the spiritual side of us will feel content. And He has to teach us not to be consumed by the emotions of our flesh.
Forgive me iniquity, though it is great.
So I'm wondering why I feel this way. If I pray to God everyday that He would take away my sorrow, my lonliness...if I proclaim with my speech that He is more than enough for me in every situation, that all I need is the Lord. Why can't I live out what I proclaim? Because I am completely unworthy.
I ask the Lord everyday to forgive my iniquity, though it is great.
Because shouldn't I, as a Christian who is filled with God's love, be able to radiate that love excitedly and with passion!? Why then, is it hard for me to foster a smile? I have the inner peace of knowing that no matter what, I am God's and He is mine. But why can't that inner peace make it to the outside. I WANT it to!! I came here with the, perhaps naive, expectation that I would love this. I think in a way I wanted to be a missionary for God more than I wanted to do what God wanted me to do. Very self-absorbed of me.
I ask the Lord everyday to forgive my iniquity, though it is great.
So yeah, I expected I would enjoy this. I never expected it to be easy. I never expected it to be nearly unbearable. Why isn't the Lord enough? I know He is. But why can't I feel like that? I feel so humbled, so inadequate. I've been trying for at least two years now to live every aspect of my life for the Lord. To seek Him in everything. To bring glory to Him through all my actions. I know I need Him, I rely on Him everyday. I would probably be on a plane back home right now if it wasn't for Him. But why is His comfort only enough to help me endure. I thought it would be enough to help me prosper! Maybe I'm learning something new about the valleys. Maybe we aren't meant to prosper in the valleys, but only survive. Maybe those without God would have either left for home by now, or turned to unhealthy sinful outlets for their depressed state. Either way, I know the Lord is enough, more than enough, all that I need. But in addition to knowing that with my heart, why can't I feel it with my emotions also. Is it selfish of me to want the human side of me to be content as well as the spiritual side. Maybe that's something He has to teach each of us...that sometimes only the spiritual side of us will feel content. And He has to teach us not to be consumed by the emotions of our flesh.
Forgive me iniquity, though it is great.
Psalm 25
To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul;
in you I trust, O my God. Do not let me be put to shame,
nor let my enemies triumph over me.
No one whose hope is in you
will ever be put to shame,
but they will be put to shame
who are treacherous without excuse.
Show me your ways, O LORD,
teach me your paths;
guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.
Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love,
for they are from of old.
Remember not the sins of my youth
and my rebellious ways;
according to your love remember me,
for you are good, O LORD.
Good and upright is the LORD;
therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.
He guides the humble in what is right
and teaches them his way.
All the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful
for those who keep the demands of his covenant.
For the sake of your name, O LORD,
forgive my iniquity, though it is great.
Who, then, is the man that fears the LORD ?
He will instruct him in the way chosen for him.
He will spend his days in prosperity,
and his descendants will inherit the land.
The LORD confides in those who fear him;
he makes his covenant known to them.
My eyes are ever on the LORD,
for only he will release my feet from the snare.
Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted.
The troubles of my heart have multiplied;
free me from my anguish.
Look upon my affliction and my distress
and take away all my sins.
See how my enemies have increased
and how fiercely they hate me!
Guard my life and rescue me;
let me not be put to shame,
for I take refuge in you.
May integrity and uprightness protect me,
because my hope is in you.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Don't wanna waste my life!
I've asked God to give me wisdom.
So I know He will.
I've asked Him so guide every decision I make over the next month or two, especially related to what I do about this journey that I'm on.
So I know He will.
I've asked Him to see HIS will to fruition in my life, not mine.
So I know He will.
But seriously, this is not what I was expecting. I'm moving beyond my emotionalism. I'm moving beyond my homesickness. That's not what I'm referring to. I expected it to be hard in that regard, I expected a certain amount of loneliness, a certain amount of homesickness. (Granted you can't imagine how much it will hurt until you're actually here, so I couldn't prepare for it...but I was expecting it.) But I came here to serve. It's been almost three weeks now and still nothing. Granted I've only been in Puno for a week. But still, that's a week down the drain. And I know, I know...its not down the drain. I've never read my Bible so much or been in fervent prayer so continually before in my life. So I know, I know its not a week down the drain. But from what I can see so far, from what Padre Juan wants us to do...I could do it just as effective, if not more effectively in the U.S. Let me explain. From what I can see I don't think I'm going to really have much interaction with the children, especially between now and Christmas. And probably not even after that unless we (Lauren, Dillon and I) get some much needed information from the organization ASAP. Padre Juan wants us to start up an English teaching program for the 50-60 5 and 6 year olds that are currently going to school through the organization's school. He's made is fairly clear that though we each have other things we are interested in doing, that's the main thing or goal that he would like to see happen. And that's okay with me. Especially as a social worker they teach us that the client knows what they need best, not the pracitioner. So if they say they need to teach English to 5 and 6 year olds above all else, I believe them. They know their situation and their needs better than I do for sure! But Padre Juan thinks that because we speak English, we're experts on teaching English. That we just know how to do it. Quite the opposite, none of us know a thing about teaching English. I knew I would be teaching English before I came but I assumed there would be some sort of cirriculum or SOMEthing in place already. I didn't realize that this was a brand new program they were expecting us to launch. But again, I'm flexible and I like the challenge. After all, designing and implementing new programs is one of the things I'm trained in as an MSW. So one thing I have been doing this past week, besides nothing lol, is trying to do some research and find some cirriculums, start gathering together resources (English books, flashcards, visual aides, etc.). I can't make a cirriculum to teach English, I have no idea how. But I do know how to find cirriculums that already exist and are research based and proven in practice. I do know how to find foundations and companies in the U.S. who would jump on the opportunity to support this kind of an initiative in South America. And I've been finding things. I could probably apply for enough grants to get everything the program needs, donated. That is what social workers do best: "beg." ;)
BUT, the problem is I can't do any of these things that I know how to do. Because though we've been asking for a week now, we can't get any information from RED Titikaka. To apply for and receive grants and aid, you have to be able to prove that you are a legitimate organization who is actually doing things effectively. Makes sense, no company wants to waste their resources or invest in something that's a dead end. So we need budgets, mission statements, goals and objectives combined with outputs (actual services delivered) and outcomes (actual changes in the quality of life for the individuals served), current donor lists, a website would be nice (maybe we can get that made for them, something simple), etc. and on and on. Nothing, they can't give us one piece of documentation to prove that they are doing anything. I mean, I know they are doing things. I see the people coming every day to learn to be artisans. I see the school they built in Rinconada (I've actually only seen a picture thus far). I see the meeting of Young Entrepenuers where people come to try to recruit these kids out of high school into promising careers. I've seen the services delivered, but I need documentation! Its just backwards it seems. In the U.S. you need to lay the groundwork and get all the administrative, clerical, framework laid before a single service is delivered or program implemented. Its not like that here, I guess they don't have to. In the U.S. you couldn't get the resources to DO anything without the appropriate documentation. But here apparantly you can, and they did. It seems to me they put the horse before the carriage. Its like the old adage: Failure to plan is a plan to fail. And I'm trying to look at things through the lense of their culture. But this is why so many NGO's over here persist for a couple of years or maybe even a decade, but fail to be sustainable in the long term. This organization is only 3 years old. So its very likely that with a good amount of seed money they could have fulfilled everything that they have to this point, but they're money is gone. One of the projects they've given Dillon (since he'll be here for 2 years) is to help them raise money to build another school/community center in Rinconada. But how can he do that with nothing to back up what they are saying they do? How can I get resources for an English teaching program if I can't even tell a foundation what their mission statement is? The answer is I can't.
They say we're going to Rinconada tomorrow. I'm sorry, they THINK we MIGHT be going tomorrow. They told us we would be going there last Friday, and then they said Saturday. I know, I know its a different culture. That they take things veeery slow. But what they don't realize is that there are other things, contructive things I could be doing. People didn't support me to come sit in an apartment all day long every day for the past week. People supported me to serve. And I don't know if that's going to even pretend to start happenning anytime soon.
Its not that I think this was the wrong thing to do, to come here. Like I've said in this and past blogs, there are so many positive things that have already happenned here. But what I am suggesting is that MY plan to stay here may not end up aligning with God's plan for me to serve Him and His children to the best of my ability.
I've thought about what I've been asked to do, in essense raise the funds and resources to get this program up and running. I can do that from the states. All I've been doing is e-mailing and calling people back in the states. Its good that I came, its good that I can see the organization up close. That will make me better able to advocate for them and for resources for them, assuming I ever get the documentation that they promise exists (though I have yet to see). But if I could be doing the exact same thing from the states, while also working at another job where I can use my MSW and be actively serving God's people (like I wanted to do, that's why I became a social worker)...then why not be doing both? Why not be applying for grants and getting resources for this program here while also doing something constructive for my brothers and sisters back home? Now, I'm not saying that I'm leaving tomorrow. I'm definately going to at least get to Rinconada and see what my day to day activities might look like there before I make any drastic decisions. But the more I pray about this, the more God seems to be revealing to me on how I can be most effective for Him and His kingdom. He suprises us sometimes. It doesn't always happen like we would have expected or even would have wanted it to. But we ask for wisdom, and He gives it to us. No doubt about that. I know I would not be having any revelations without God's power and influence in my life.
Another thing I have found on this trip is to take nothing for granted. Do not wait until tomorrow to do what you could do today because life is too short to waste time or relationships. Both are God given. As I was reading my Bible this week, praying praying and praying because I felt I was wasting time: God showed me this scripture. It has stuck in my mind and is really pulling at my spirit.
From James chapter 4:
13Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." 14Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.
I don't want to waste anymore time, sitting lonely with nothing to do in Puno, Peru. I won't just accept it because I'm told its another culture and I have to adapt. I only follow one culture's set of rules and that's God's. I don't know what to do (though in my heart maybe I do). Just pray, as I am praying, that God not only gives me the wisdom to know what to do, but that He also gives me the STRENGTH AND HUMILITY to do what He leads me to do.
Don't wanna waste my life!
Listen to my profile song: http://www.myspace.com/kc2233
Don't wanna waste my life!
Amen.
Now I don't want this whole thing to sound cynical or anything like that. I'm remaining open to what God wants me to do. So to lighten the mood...check out what I found in my soup. And no its not from McDonald's! lol
So I know He will.
I've asked Him so guide every decision I make over the next month or two, especially related to what I do about this journey that I'm on.
So I know He will.
I've asked Him to see HIS will to fruition in my life, not mine.
So I know He will.
But seriously, this is not what I was expecting. I'm moving beyond my emotionalism. I'm moving beyond my homesickness. That's not what I'm referring to. I expected it to be hard in that regard, I expected a certain amount of loneliness, a certain amount of homesickness. (Granted you can't imagine how much it will hurt until you're actually here, so I couldn't prepare for it...but I was expecting it.) But I came here to serve. It's been almost three weeks now and still nothing. Granted I've only been in Puno for a week. But still, that's a week down the drain. And I know, I know...its not down the drain. I've never read my Bible so much or been in fervent prayer so continually before in my life. So I know, I know its not a week down the drain. But from what I can see so far, from what Padre Juan wants us to do...I could do it just as effective, if not more effectively in the U.S. Let me explain. From what I can see I don't think I'm going to really have much interaction with the children, especially between now and Christmas. And probably not even after that unless we (Lauren, Dillon and I) get some much needed information from the organization ASAP. Padre Juan wants us to start up an English teaching program for the 50-60 5 and 6 year olds that are currently going to school through the organization's school. He's made is fairly clear that though we each have other things we are interested in doing, that's the main thing or goal that he would like to see happen. And that's okay with me. Especially as a social worker they teach us that the client knows what they need best, not the pracitioner. So if they say they need to teach English to 5 and 6 year olds above all else, I believe them. They know their situation and their needs better than I do for sure! But Padre Juan thinks that because we speak English, we're experts on teaching English. That we just know how to do it. Quite the opposite, none of us know a thing about teaching English. I knew I would be teaching English before I came but I assumed there would be some sort of cirriculum or SOMEthing in place already. I didn't realize that this was a brand new program they were expecting us to launch. But again, I'm flexible and I like the challenge. After all, designing and implementing new programs is one of the things I'm trained in as an MSW. So one thing I have been doing this past week, besides nothing lol, is trying to do some research and find some cirriculums, start gathering together resources (English books, flashcards, visual aides, etc.). I can't make a cirriculum to teach English, I have no idea how. But I do know how to find cirriculums that already exist and are research based and proven in practice. I do know how to find foundations and companies in the U.S. who would jump on the opportunity to support this kind of an initiative in South America. And I've been finding things. I could probably apply for enough grants to get everything the program needs, donated. That is what social workers do best: "beg." ;)
BUT, the problem is I can't do any of these things that I know how to do. Because though we've been asking for a week now, we can't get any information from RED Titikaka. To apply for and receive grants and aid, you have to be able to prove that you are a legitimate organization who is actually doing things effectively. Makes sense, no company wants to waste their resources or invest in something that's a dead end. So we need budgets, mission statements, goals and objectives combined with outputs (actual services delivered) and outcomes (actual changes in the quality of life for the individuals served), current donor lists, a website would be nice (maybe we can get that made for them, something simple), etc. and on and on. Nothing, they can't give us one piece of documentation to prove that they are doing anything. I mean, I know they are doing things. I see the people coming every day to learn to be artisans. I see the school they built in Rinconada (I've actually only seen a picture thus far). I see the meeting of Young Entrepenuers where people come to try to recruit these kids out of high school into promising careers. I've seen the services delivered, but I need documentation! Its just backwards it seems. In the U.S. you need to lay the groundwork and get all the administrative, clerical, framework laid before a single service is delivered or program implemented. Its not like that here, I guess they don't have to. In the U.S. you couldn't get the resources to DO anything without the appropriate documentation. But here apparantly you can, and they did. It seems to me they put the horse before the carriage. Its like the old adage: Failure to plan is a plan to fail. And I'm trying to look at things through the lense of their culture. But this is why so many NGO's over here persist for a couple of years or maybe even a decade, but fail to be sustainable in the long term. This organization is only 3 years old. So its very likely that with a good amount of seed money they could have fulfilled everything that they have to this point, but they're money is gone. One of the projects they've given Dillon (since he'll be here for 2 years) is to help them raise money to build another school/community center in Rinconada. But how can he do that with nothing to back up what they are saying they do? How can I get resources for an English teaching program if I can't even tell a foundation what their mission statement is? The answer is I can't.
They say we're going to Rinconada tomorrow. I'm sorry, they THINK we MIGHT be going tomorrow. They told us we would be going there last Friday, and then they said Saturday. I know, I know its a different culture. That they take things veeery slow. But what they don't realize is that there are other things, contructive things I could be doing. People didn't support me to come sit in an apartment all day long every day for the past week. People supported me to serve. And I don't know if that's going to even pretend to start happenning anytime soon.
Its not that I think this was the wrong thing to do, to come here. Like I've said in this and past blogs, there are so many positive things that have already happenned here. But what I am suggesting is that MY plan to stay here may not end up aligning with God's plan for me to serve Him and His children to the best of my ability.
I've thought about what I've been asked to do, in essense raise the funds and resources to get this program up and running. I can do that from the states. All I've been doing is e-mailing and calling people back in the states. Its good that I came, its good that I can see the organization up close. That will make me better able to advocate for them and for resources for them, assuming I ever get the documentation that they promise exists (though I have yet to see). But if I could be doing the exact same thing from the states, while also working at another job where I can use my MSW and be actively serving God's people (like I wanted to do, that's why I became a social worker)...then why not be doing both? Why not be applying for grants and getting resources for this program here while also doing something constructive for my brothers and sisters back home? Now, I'm not saying that I'm leaving tomorrow. I'm definately going to at least get to Rinconada and see what my day to day activities might look like there before I make any drastic decisions. But the more I pray about this, the more God seems to be revealing to me on how I can be most effective for Him and His kingdom. He suprises us sometimes. It doesn't always happen like we would have expected or even would have wanted it to. But we ask for wisdom, and He gives it to us. No doubt about that. I know I would not be having any revelations without God's power and influence in my life.
Another thing I have found on this trip is to take nothing for granted. Do not wait until tomorrow to do what you could do today because life is too short to waste time or relationships. Both are God given. As I was reading my Bible this week, praying praying and praying because I felt I was wasting time: God showed me this scripture. It has stuck in my mind and is really pulling at my spirit.
From James chapter 4:
13Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." 14Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.
I don't want to waste anymore time, sitting lonely with nothing to do in Puno, Peru. I won't just accept it because I'm told its another culture and I have to adapt. I only follow one culture's set of rules and that's God's. I don't know what to do (though in my heart maybe I do). Just pray, as I am praying, that God not only gives me the wisdom to know what to do, but that He also gives me the STRENGTH AND HUMILITY to do what He leads me to do.
Don't wanna waste my life!
Listen to my profile song: http://www.myspace.com/kc2233
Don't wanna waste my life!
Amen.
Now I don't want this whole thing to sound cynical or anything like that. I'm remaining open to what God wants me to do. So to lighten the mood...check out what I found in my soup. And no its not from McDonald's! lol
More pictures!
http://picasaweb.google.com/cjlandrum/MyJourneyInPeru?authkey=EAcqFe2SdfU#
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Mailing Address
I have a mailing address but it looks like it will be pretty pricey to send me packages. I really don't want anyone sending anything beyond like cards/letters type things just because I don't want anyone spending that much money. But if you did want to send something small the address is:
Padre Juan Valero
Atencion: Casey Landrum
Jr. César Vallejo C-12
Urbanización Puno
Puno
Puno, PERU
Check out this website for prices:
http://www.usps.com/prices/first-class-mail-international-prices.htm#cz
Peru is Group 9
Make sure you actually take it to the post office to mail it (instead of just sticking it in your mailbox) and that way you can ask them at the P.O. to make sure the address looks correct and that they think it will get there.
Jan Weiner might be a good source for information too!
Padre Juan Valero
Atencion: Casey Landrum
Jr. César Vallejo C-12
Urbanización Puno
Puno
Puno, PERU
Check out this website for prices:
http://www.usps.com/prices/first-class-mail-international-prices.htm#cz
Peru is Group 9
Make sure you actually take it to the post office to mail it (instead of just sticking it in your mailbox) and that way you can ask them at the P.O. to make sure the address looks correct and that they think it will get there.
Jan Weiner might be a good source for information too!
Time for Honesty
Well everyone to be perfectly honest - this is a lot harder than I ever imagined it would be. Not really the climate or the elevation or even the lack of speaking Spanish...but the being away from my family and those I love.
I think I always had this romanticized idea of how it would be to leave everything that I know and just focus on serving God. And don't get me wrong, this has brought me closer to God than I've ever been. I'm almost in constant prayer throughout the day. Meditating, journaling, READING His word! Because honestly that's the only way I'm making it. I'm entering into week three which is when a lot of people warned me I would hit a wall. And I've hit it hard. I'm extremely homesick and sad. I've asked God to forgive me for the fear and doubt that has entered into my pysche now, and He will help pull me through this I just know. But please think of me in your prayers often. I need them.
My dad offered that this may be my wilderness experience. My experience in which God breaks me down in order to build me up. Up until this point in my life I have always relied on God for the hard times and praised Him in the good times. But there haven't been that many hard times and even when they came, I had places to turn besides God. Though I did turn to God, He was not my only salvation and sanctuary. But even given that, I have never truly felt like I couldn't do something on my own (to be perfectly transparent). Looking back it was a very self-righteouss way to live a life. It was also a very dangerous way to live a life. So I am glad that God has broken me down at the tender young age of 24 before I wasted much more of my life with that mindset. But even still, I am in the midst of the wilderness...I pray God uses this time to perfect my faith, to prepare me and build me up for whatever it is that He wants me to do in life. I am beginning to see that what I wanted (to be a missionary, probably abroad for long periods of time) may not be exactly what God wanted. And that's okay. It's just as meaningful to find out what we are not supposed to do because it brings us one step closer to what we are supposed to do. And even when you find out what you're not supposed to do, it is never a wasted experience.
It is never a wasted experience because I have already, in these two weeks, been changed significantly. Definately one of the most significant meaningul inward changes I have ever experienced. Definately in the shortest amount of time. I have realized that I took my family for granted my whole life, never accurately reflecting in my actions toward them the love that I feel for them inside. Never again. If I left tomorrow I would say this has been the most meaningful, life-changing two-week period in my life. But I'm not leaving tomorrow. So there is so much more God has to change inside of me. And I'm ready. My goal right now is to get to December 18th. I don't know right now if God would have me to come back after Christmas. I know that if He would like me to come back, He will definately change my heart from the way it is feeling right now.
I am very excited about Friday. We move up to Rinconada. We will meet with the people working there. We will assimilate ourselves into the organization. And I can finally begin to have a purpose each day. I think part of what is making things so hard right now is the fact that I really don't have a lot to do each day. I have to eat each day, I'm attempting to run (very hard at this altitude I am finding) each day. But other than that I have too much time to sit and think about how much I miss home. So I am taking that time and turning it into prayer and Bible study. So it is meaningful. And I can still show love to everyone I come into contact with each day, especially Dillon and Lauren...which is how each and every one of us serves Him each day of our life. So I do have a purpose, I would just like to be more busy to take my mind off things and to get me through this season. But Padre Juan pointed out to us the first night when we were asking him for more to do this week that, 'Americans always want to have so much to do. Here we just slow down.' Maybe he's got a point there you know?
So I am glad I am here. Given how homesick I am right now that is actually hard for me to say. But I mean it. Because of how much I've changed in these two weeks. I don't ever want to go back to the person I was before I left on this journey. And if God can use this pain to make me more like Him and to bring me closer to His will for my life, then okay.
'Bring me joy, bring me peace.
Bring the chance to be free.
Bring me anything that brings you glory.
And I know they'll be days.
When this life brings me pain.
And if that's what it takes to praise you,
Jesus bring the rain.'
And another one that people may not be as familiar with:
'Lord it may get better but it may not.
So when I pray God,
I pray I would trust you whether or not the pain stops.
So when the pain falls, coming down like raindrops,
I just gotta cling to You.'
I just pray to God and thank Him in advance for giving me His eyes, giving me His compassion, to see His people as He sees them. I know once that transformation takes place I can get over the homesickness, that in a way is selfish, and get to the reason I'm here. To serve Him and His people!
Amen.
I think I always had this romanticized idea of how it would be to leave everything that I know and just focus on serving God. And don't get me wrong, this has brought me closer to God than I've ever been. I'm almost in constant prayer throughout the day. Meditating, journaling, READING His word! Because honestly that's the only way I'm making it. I'm entering into week three which is when a lot of people warned me I would hit a wall. And I've hit it hard. I'm extremely homesick and sad. I've asked God to forgive me for the fear and doubt that has entered into my pysche now, and He will help pull me through this I just know. But please think of me in your prayers often. I need them.
My dad offered that this may be my wilderness experience. My experience in which God breaks me down in order to build me up. Up until this point in my life I have always relied on God for the hard times and praised Him in the good times. But there haven't been that many hard times and even when they came, I had places to turn besides God. Though I did turn to God, He was not my only salvation and sanctuary. But even given that, I have never truly felt like I couldn't do something on my own (to be perfectly transparent). Looking back it was a very self-righteouss way to live a life. It was also a very dangerous way to live a life. So I am glad that God has broken me down at the tender young age of 24 before I wasted much more of my life with that mindset. But even still, I am in the midst of the wilderness...I pray God uses this time to perfect my faith, to prepare me and build me up for whatever it is that He wants me to do in life. I am beginning to see that what I wanted (to be a missionary, probably abroad for long periods of time) may not be exactly what God wanted. And that's okay. It's just as meaningful to find out what we are not supposed to do because it brings us one step closer to what we are supposed to do. And even when you find out what you're not supposed to do, it is never a wasted experience.
It is never a wasted experience because I have already, in these two weeks, been changed significantly. Definately one of the most significant meaningul inward changes I have ever experienced. Definately in the shortest amount of time. I have realized that I took my family for granted my whole life, never accurately reflecting in my actions toward them the love that I feel for them inside. Never again. If I left tomorrow I would say this has been the most meaningful, life-changing two-week period in my life. But I'm not leaving tomorrow. So there is so much more God has to change inside of me. And I'm ready. My goal right now is to get to December 18th. I don't know right now if God would have me to come back after Christmas. I know that if He would like me to come back, He will definately change my heart from the way it is feeling right now.
I am very excited about Friday. We move up to Rinconada. We will meet with the people working there. We will assimilate ourselves into the organization. And I can finally begin to have a purpose each day. I think part of what is making things so hard right now is the fact that I really don't have a lot to do each day. I have to eat each day, I'm attempting to run (very hard at this altitude I am finding) each day. But other than that I have too much time to sit and think about how much I miss home. So I am taking that time and turning it into prayer and Bible study. So it is meaningful. And I can still show love to everyone I come into contact with each day, especially Dillon and Lauren...which is how each and every one of us serves Him each day of our life. So I do have a purpose, I would just like to be more busy to take my mind off things and to get me through this season. But Padre Juan pointed out to us the first night when we were asking him for more to do this week that, 'Americans always want to have so much to do. Here we just slow down.' Maybe he's got a point there you know?
So I am glad I am here. Given how homesick I am right now that is actually hard for me to say. But I mean it. Because of how much I've changed in these two weeks. I don't ever want to go back to the person I was before I left on this journey. And if God can use this pain to make me more like Him and to bring me closer to His will for my life, then okay.
'Bring me joy, bring me peace.
Bring the chance to be free.
Bring me anything that brings you glory.
And I know they'll be days.
When this life brings me pain.
And if that's what it takes to praise you,
Jesus bring the rain.'
And another one that people may not be as familiar with:
'Lord it may get better but it may not.
So when I pray God,
I pray I would trust you whether or not the pain stops.
So when the pain falls, coming down like raindrops,
I just gotta cling to You.'
I just pray to God and thank Him in advance for giving me His eyes, giving me His compassion, to see His people as He sees them. I know once that transformation takes place I can get over the homesickness, that in a way is selfish, and get to the reason I'm here. To serve Him and His people!
Amen.
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