Wrap Up

So I've been told by many people that my final blog was not much of a final blog. Honestly I seriously doubt anyone still checks in on this since I've been back from Peru for months but I'll wrap it up short and sweet.

To be completely honest I rushed into going to Peru without adequate prayer and meditation. I was seeking something that can not be found by our own actions. That is what I was searching for can not be found because of anything I do or don't do. It can only be found through a complete reliance and faith in Christ Jesus.

I mentioned this in Sunday School last week but I think I have spent the last few years of my life looking all around for something that was in front of me the whole time. I was making it too complicated. Being a servant to Christ does not have to entail radical actions outside of our norm or comfort zone, but instead it should mean being radical in everyday life.

Which is a perfect segway into my new blog: The Cost (CaseyProvidence.blogspot.com)

I will talk about Being a Servant to Christ, simply and completely.

I'm not going to talk about it because I'm so good at it and other people need to hear what I have to say so that they can be a servant of Christ too: I actually am terrible at it. But I am growing everyday. Learning the true meaning to Luke 9:23. I am going to be a follower of Christ the way HE intended, not the way this world has told me followers of Christ should be. I am going to be fully submitted in every aspect of my life...and I know this will happen because I have asked God to change me and transform me NO MATTER THE COST, and God will fulfill His promise like He ALWAYS does. It will be all God doing the transformation, it already is. I promise to you I take none of the credit because left on my own I'm no better than dirt.

Please read the blog. Please comment on the blog. Argue with me, hold me accountable, challenge my faith...it will only make both of us grow. John Wesley once said something like: if I leave a town and people are not upset and angry with me, I wonder if I really preached from the gospel. Yes we believe in a God of love, but the reality of living this life of complete submission and love is not a comfortable glamorous reality by earthly standards.

CaseyProvidence.blogspot.com

Lima Round 2

Its so amazing to me how much things have changed in such a short amount of time. When I first arrived to Lima 6 weeks ago I was immediately struck by the culture, how different it was, how different it was from everything that I was used to. When I arrived back in Lima the seond time I was again confronted with how drastically different the culture was. This time, however, I was relieved to be back in a city that resembled the Western culture in which I find a comfortable familiarity. The McDonald's golden arch literally looked like it had lights shining down on it from Heaven. I don't even like McDonald's. I don't even like Pizza Hut. I usually can resist the temptation of Dunkin Donuts. But not these past couple of days. I have found relief in the food that makes America obese. The ironic part is that once I get back I probably won't even eat this stuff. The days are still moving at a snail's pace ya'll, but I'm okay. I'm still exhausted physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. But I'm okay. I keep dreaming that I'm home and once I get so far into the dream I think to myself, "this is probably just a dream." So I squeeze my eyes tight really hard in order to wake myself up. Then I wake up and realize I still am in Peru. This realization does not bring about the same desperate feeling that it did in weeks past, I know that I'm in Lima now...only one step away from Richmond Int'l Airport. Instead now this realization just brings about reminds me of my endurance of a mental exhaustion. I just gotta hold on a couple more days...

Leviticus

So I began reading the Old Testament straight through about a week ago. I've never attempted this feat before, always a bit turned off by boredom. But I have heard it said many times, and it is a great point, the Old Testament is the only Bible Jesus had. So though we live in a day where the ultimate sacrifice has taken the place of animals being killed on altars, I still think its important that we, as Christians, read the Old Testament the same way that we read the New Testament.

So I got through Genesis and Exodus and had started on Leviticus when I was having a conversation with my Dad. I was telling him how all the laws were frustrating me. Not only because they were boring, but because they seemed to contradict things that Jesus said. I mean, after Moses came down from a 40 day/night stint on Mt. Sanai with God...he straight up said something like "an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth." Then in the New Testament Jesus/God preaches on forgiveness and turning the other cheek and loving thy neighbor as thyself. I know I'm not the first person on earth to question God about these seemingly contradictions. But my Dad had some good advice, he said to ask God to show me how He wants to speak to me midst all these laws and decrees. So I did. I said, "God I don't understand a lot of what I'm reading, but I know you can still use your Word to communicate with me. So show me what you want me to see." No later than 24 hours later I read Leviticus 10:1-3.

Leviticus 10:1-3 illustrated what I've been feeling for the past three weeks or so of this trip. It is very hard for me to say this, because it hurts my pride. But I feel it an important part of this humbling experience that God is putting me through to do so. In addition, hopefully others can use my lesson in their own lives. When God teaches us a lesson it is important we share it with our family of believers because maybe something that broke us down can help a brother or sister from suffering similar painful experiences. I think I know now where I went wrong with the whole trip.

And let me start my saying I'm so thankful that I live in the "New Testament" age of forgiveness and grace, where we have had the ultimate sacrifice atone for our sins and we have a God who works ALL things together for the good of those who love Him and seek Him...even the things that weren't exactly what He would have had in mind in the first place. He has taught me so many things and brought me so much closer to Him on this trip that I'm actually thankful for the fact that I misinterpreted God's will...anything that brings us closer to God we should be thankful for no matter how painful. Not thankful for the pain, but thankful for growing instead it was MY will. I think maybe God wasnt calling me to come here as much as I wanted Him to be calling me here. Thank God for Proverbs 19:21 and Romans 8:28.

Leviticus 10:1-3 in a nutshell: Aaron's sons Nadab and Abihu presented a sacrifice to God that He didnt ask for or decree, and He struck them dead immediately.

They may have been presenting the sacrifice to God with the best of intentions, to worship Him and bring glory to Him...but it wasnt what He asked for. When I read this this yesterday morning, verses 1-3 were the last three verses on the page before I turned the page. I was immediately struck by the story, feeling the parallel with my own current situation. I reread it three or four times before turning the page. Then when I turned the page I realized my Bible had a page long devotional solely about these three verses. I read it and it was as if it was about my exact situation right now. I think I came here with the purest of intentions, to serve God, to worship Him with my life! When I say things to Him like, "I want to praise you not just with words, but with my life," I thought I needed to do something that was extremely difficult and extreme so that I could hold to my word. But I realize now that I thought this was how God wanted me to worship Him with my life, but it was maybe not how God had actually planned it out. Actually, obviously its not how God had it planned out, if it were I wouldnt be coming home in T minus two weeks and counting.

But thankfully we live in the time of mercy and forgiveness and He didnt strike me dead the minute I made an offerring to Him that He didn't ask for. He held me close to Him the whole way through and taught me things. And in the end He will definately will work all things for the good, I trust Him and know it. But as a result of my sometimes competative and compulsive personality, I came here with the purest of intentions...but didn't have the patience to wait on God to show me how HE wanted to use me. Instead I told HIM how I thought He wanted me to use me. I'm paying the price but ultimately this difficult time as brought me closer to my God.

"I know (NOW), O LORD, that a woman's life is not her own;
it is not for a woman to direct her steps."
-Jeremiah 10:23

November 4th is the date

Well I've pretty much secured a job in Richmond that will start November 14th. I will be working for Habitat for Humanity through Americorps. I'm in the process right now of changing my plane ticket to leave for home on November the 4th.

I will post later about what's been going through my mind and heart and of course when I get back I will have all kinds of revelations and stories to share. I don't have the energy to type a lot right now. Each day I wake up I am more depressed than the day before. I think its because every night I dream I'm at home so each morning when I wake up I have to re-process that I'm still here over and over again. I'll try to get motivated to share more soon.

I do know that different people will have different opinions of my decision to cut this trip shorter than plans. I hope everyone trusts that I'm following where God is leading me and can support me, I really need that right now. And for those who don't understand or support me, I can't really stress it because I know I'm following where God is leading me. And I know this trip was not a failure in any way shape or form.

Please pray for me, I can't remember another time in my life I have felt so low in this way. My only consolation is God knew this was going to happen the whole time and still brought me here. So He's up to something thats bigger and greater than my current situation.

I thought it was supposed to get better, not worse.

So I'm getting over two pretty intense days of illness. I had the epitomé of a stomach bug. Luckily though, here in Peru you can grab some antibiotics for $7 and no prescription, lol. Its sad though, in a way I would prefer to be sick. Because then at least I slept most of the day. And as long as I'm asleep I'm not immediately conscious of my depression, lonliness and homesickness. Today, I feel better. I'm still pretty weak, I guess because I haven't eaten anything in two days, but I feel better - physically. I feel worse, emotionally. Perhaps the worse day yet. I guess its a good cue when I say I would rather be sick than well because at least with sickness comes less waking hours.

I talked to Padre Juan yesterday about how I felt. I've been here exactly a month today and it seems to be getting worse instead of better. I told him that. I told him how I was sad, depressed, etc. He asked what he could do? What didn't I like about Peru? He was very willing to do anything needed to make me more comfortable. But that's the point, its not a lack of physical comfort. Yeah there are a lot of things we take for granted in the U.S., like toilet seats, TV and hot showers...but really what's got me down is missing my family, and this feeling that I came here for the wrong reason (I'll explain below). So unless he's going to fly my family out here to Peru, there's not a lot he can do. Its not that I don't like Peru. Its that I miss my family. I guess one thing he could do is provide me with some WORK! I mean, that is why I came here. But everytime I bring that up he says, Americans, you need to slow down and allow things to develop on their own. Relax, etc. this and that! He almost makes me feel like I'm being insenstive of their culture by asking for work to do. And don't get me wrong. He is a very giving, compassionate man of God. But that's just a difference in culture.

So in the midst of me telling him and this other Bolivian woman, who was translating for me, about my homesickness, they proceeded to tell me about how homesick they were the first time they left their countries and went abroad. They both agreed that though it was hard, they stuck it out and in the end were better for it. So I asked each of them, ok, how long were you gone for. Their responses, 3 weeks and 8 days respectively. So great, I've been here for three weeks PLUS 8 days and then some. So its just hard when people who can't REALLY empathize with you are trying to do so. It really brought another point home to me, a point that they teach us in social work education. If you can't truly empathize with someone's situation, don't try to...it will just make it worse.

So I have an interview with a lady in Richmond who works for the state support office of Habitat for Humanity. I have the opportunity to work there, starting in the beginning of December, as an Americorps volunteer. Its almost like a realization I had the first week of being here, before I even began to feel homesick, was a foreshadowing of what was to come in my life. Let me explain: The first week I was here I had this realization that something I was searching for had been right in front of me the whole time. Before I left, I had this assumption that I had to travel off to some far away land to be a missionary for my God. Then I realized that that's not neccesary. We can be a missionary for God in our own neighborhood. In fact its not just that we can me a missionary in our own neighborhoods, but we should be! Each and every day of our lives we should be a missionary for our Lord, no matter where we are. There are souls that need Jesus everywhere! And a soul in Peru is no more important to God than a soul in York County. They all need Jesus. The whole world needs Jesus! So though I came here seeking to be a missionary, I found that but I found something so much greater. That I don't need to come to Peru to be a missionary. But like I said, I had that realization before I even began to feel this sort of way about being here, so maybe it was appropriate foreshadowing for my own life. I guess we'll see. God will continue to lead me I know it.

So that's that for this post. I feel better having talked to Juan for the mere point of honesty. I feel like I'm not hiding anything from him now so if I did get this job and decided God was leading me home sooner than I thought, its not going to be some big suprise to him. And I told him how I thought I could work for the organziation from the U.S. and he sounded very greatful for that offer as well.

So I'll keep everyone up to date as things progress and decisions are made.

Doin for Myself

So we for the past couple of days have been working on developing a business plan for PASMOF, the women artisans of RED Titikaka. So that's been helping me feel less like a waste. But me personally feeling led back home is increasing over time, instead of decreasing. That is, approaching the one month anniversary of me being here, the homesickness hasn't really improved all that much. It hasn't gotten worse either though, it just persists. So I just endure. I'll keep everyone up to date with the business plan though. Also this week we are supposed to be traveling a bit to see the different communities RED Titikaka works with and to meet the women's groups. That should provide for some good bloggage to I hope :)

This week, I have had a couple new experiences that have reiterated to me that I am a capable human being, with God's help of course. I have washed my clothes by hand in a bucket for the first time ever. The clothes actually turned out clean and soft. I will admit I was a bit suprised, here is a pic of them drying on the roof.

Also I cooked some Spaghetti last night and made the sauce from scratch, sans recipe. And I mean from SCRATCH. I had to stew fresh tomatoes myself to even make the base for the sauce. No canned tomatoes/sauce/or paste to be found around here. I just combined tomatoes, onion, red pepper, oregano, basil, garlic, olive oil and salt until it tasted about right. I think next time I may add a little red wine in the beginning and let that cook down to give it a little more sweetness. I may also try to find a good type of spicy red pepper to add to give it a little kick for next time as well (they don't have crushed red pepper, what I would normally use to add a kick in Italian recipes). Overall though, I was very pleased and again...actually suprised myself. I don't know why I was suprised though, I should know: Philipians 4:13 baby! :)

cling to You

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oKyoENBuM6A

Lord, I’d like to start by saying I can hate where I’m at
When this life is hard and situations take me aback
The fight is hard and I can hardly face it in fact
In life it’s hard to get up like a bar with weights thats attached
It really seems the situations that I’m facing is wack
I been awakened but now I’m feeling forsaken and trapped
With no hope and I’m broken open for Satan to trap
I been bothered since You Father put this weight on my back
So please erase it’s wack, cause when this pain it attacks
My weakness is at it’s peak and I’m feeling strained and I lack
The trust in You I struggle through the ways that I should come to You
Lord, what am I gonna do? It’s true this pain it distracts
But I see my only hope when my backs on the ropes
Is in You so I read through the facts that You wrote
The pain may fade away, but if that’s my only hope
Then You don’t get the glory alone not even close

Lord, it may get better but it may not
So when I pray God, I pray I
Would trust You whether or not the pain stops
So when the the pain falls, coming down like rain drops
I just gotta cling to You

Lord, You know I’m hoping that my situation will switch
That You’ll show me You’re amazing by erasing it quick
But I’ve noticed that my hope was in You changing it quick
Instead of knowing You’re enough Lord I was chasing Your gifts
But then I opened up Your text and looked at David and them
Their situations was grim, but it ain’t change them within
They prayed You’d take it away but sought Your face in the end
And found comfort in Your justice and the grace You extend

So in this life full of strife if my days get grayer

I’m content with the fact that You’ll stay my Savior

No change in my King, man, it ain’t no greater

Comfort than what’s found in You that’s so major

So in this life full of strife if my days get grayer

I’m content with the fact that You’ll stay my Savior

No change in my King, man, it ain’t no greater

Comfort than what’s found in You so please change us!

Lord, it may get better but it may not
So when I pray God, I pray I
Would trust You whether or not the pain stops
So when the the pain falls, coming down like rain drops
I just gotta cling to You

-Trip Lee