Psalm 25:11
So I'm wondering why I feel this way. If I pray to God everyday that He would take away my sorrow, my lonliness...if I proclaim with my speech that He is more than enough for me in every situation, that all I need is the Lord. Why can't I live out what I proclaim? Because I am completely unworthy.
I ask the Lord everyday to forgive my iniquity, though it is great.
Because shouldn't I, as a Christian who is filled with God's love, be able to radiate that love excitedly and with passion!? Why then, is it hard for me to foster a smile? I have the inner peace of knowing that no matter what, I am God's and He is mine. But why can't that inner peace make it to the outside. I WANT it to!! I came here with the, perhaps naive, expectation that I would love this. I think in a way I wanted to be a missionary for God more than I wanted to do what God wanted me to do. Very self-absorbed of me.
I ask the Lord everyday to forgive my iniquity, though it is great.
So yeah, I expected I would enjoy this. I never expected it to be easy. I never expected it to be nearly unbearable. Why isn't the Lord enough? I know He is. But why can't I feel like that? I feel so humbled, so inadequate. I've been trying for at least two years now to live every aspect of my life for the Lord. To seek Him in everything. To bring glory to Him through all my actions. I know I need Him, I rely on Him everyday. I would probably be on a plane back home right now if it wasn't for Him. But why is His comfort only enough to help me endure. I thought it would be enough to help me prosper! Maybe I'm learning something new about the valleys. Maybe we aren't meant to prosper in the valleys, but only survive. Maybe those without God would have either left for home by now, or turned to unhealthy sinful outlets for their depressed state. Either way, I know the Lord is enough, more than enough, all that I need. But in addition to knowing that with my heart, why can't I feel it with my emotions also. Is it selfish of me to want the human side of me to be content as well as the spiritual side. Maybe that's something He has to teach each of us...that sometimes only the spiritual side of us will feel content. And He has to teach us not to be consumed by the emotions of our flesh.
Forgive me iniquity, though it is great.
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2 comments:
I think sometimes God wants us to learn that we can not always depend on our feelings - as you have said, he just wants us to trust Him based on our FAITH - FAITH does not depend on feelings - David shared his feelings in Psalm 42 - when he was hiding in the caves and King Saul was after his life - and he never lost his faith - but there were many times when he was lonely and hurting and felt as if God had deserted him.
I know you can look it up, but here is Psalm 42:0
Psalm 42
For the choir director: A psalm[a] of the descendants of Korah.
1 As the deer longs for streams of water,
so I long for you, O God.
2 I thirst for God, the living God.
When can I go and stand before him?
3 Day and night I have only tears for food,
while my enemies continually taunt me, saying,
“Where is this God of yours?”
4 My heart is breaking
as I remember how it used to be:
I walked among the crowds of worshipers,
leading a great procession to the house of God,
singing for joy and giving thanks
amid the sound of a great celebration!
5 Why am I discouraged?
Why is my heart so sad?
I will put my hope in God!
I will praise him again—
my Savior and 6 my God!
Now I am deeply discouraged,
but I will remember you—
even from distant Mount Hermon, the source of the Jordan,
from the land of Mount Mizar.
7 I hear the tumult of the raging seas
as your waves and surging tides sweep over me.
8 But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me,
and through each night I sing his songs,
praying to God who gives me life.
9 “O God my rock,” I cry,
“Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I wander around in grief,
oppressed by my enemies?”
10 Their taunts break my bones.
They scoff, “Where is this God of yours?”
11 Why am I discouraged?
Why is my heart so sad?
I will put my hope in God!
I will praise him again—
my Savior and my God!
now might be a good time to read through the psalms - I like to read the new living bible translation - a good website to read the bible on line is:
biblegateway.com
you can read it in any version you want - they even have it in el espanol!
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